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How about a Hug?
To Hug or Not to Hug
by Grace Marie

This subject is broached from concerns from dancers questioning “hugging” at a public dance meeting.

The Thursday Night Dances of Universal Peace have been present in Fort Collins for 19 years. It has been weekly for around 15 years. Many of us know each other well. We share an intimacy and friendship through the depth of the Dances by the gaze, holding hands, sharing the voice as we sing love to various partners throughout an evening. Embracing after an evening of dance has also been part of this tradition, as it is worldwide. Our intention with the Dances and the embrace is to share a greeting and enjoy the continued intimacy of our friendship.

The issue of embracing has been brought to my attention by dancers, both experienced and those fairly new. One shared that there were people who came for the first time, who will not attend again, because they felt the hugs were “forced” on them. Being a first timer to this kind of intimacy can feel overpowering and “too much”. The last thing any of us want to do at a Peace Dance is to scare new people away because of an embrace whose intention should be, and is for many, innocent and loving. For others, it is invasive and uncomfortable.

A second dancer shared that even experienced long timers felt the embraces were prolonged and felt inappropriate with certain people.

Another dancer shared her experience with me personally, that a man’s hand, more than once, went to places on her body during a dance, that she felt violated. She does not attend the dances anymore.

This is a very intimate subject: the physical touch that happens at a public Dance of Universal Peace and what feelings may arise for some.

In my research to write something that would give insight, comfort and suggestions, I approached it first by researching the roots and definitions of “embrace” and “hug”.

“embrace”: Verb
1. To take or clasp in the arms, press to the bosom, hug, usually as an expression of affection.
2. Cherish, love
3. Encircle, enclose, surround We allowed the warm water to embrace us.
4. To take in or include as a part of a more inclusive whole, the Dances embrace all traditions, encyclopedia embraces a great number of subjects
5. To be equal or equivalent
6. To take or receive gladly or eagerly, accept willingly, to avail oneself of: embrace an idea, embrace a tradition or religion, embrace an opportunity
Middle English, from Anglo-French embracer, from en + brace (pair of arms): 14th century
Synonyms: adopt, include, espouse, welcome, cover, embody
Antonyms: exclude

“hug”:
Noun: a tight clasp with the arms; embrace.
Verbs: 1. To clasp or hold closely, especially in the arms, as in affection; embrace.
2. To hold steadfastly to; cherish: He still hugs his outmoded beliefs.
3. To stay close to: a sailboat hugging the shore.
Origin: 1560-70, Norwegian hugga, to soothe, console, to care for.

An embrace or a hug has been a tradition at the closure of Dances of Universal Peace meetings. There are many who heartily engage in this tradition and look forward to it. Some have said they would not attend if hugs were not available. And others do not attend because of it.

Some dances have hugs as part of the movement of the dance. Some partners engage deeply in the embrace, prolonging and slowing down the dance throwing off the timing. Others give a quick “A” frame hug and move quickly to the next movement also throwing off the timing. Two different dancers, two different kinds of hugs.

While researching “Hugging” online with Google and at the libraries in Colorado, I found something very interesting, in that only children’s titles appeared. Here is a list of a few hugging book titles for children: The Hugging Hour, Hugging the Rock, Daddy Hugs, Mommy Hugs, Suddenly, they’re 13: The Art of Hugging a Cactus, Won’t you be my Hugaroo, Hug Time, The Giant Hug, The Cuddle Book, It’s Hug Day, A Hug for You, Hugs for Cats, Hug your Dog, Hug Me and the list is goes on for a hundred or more.

When using the search words “the art of hugs” the top two titles were: Chocolate for a Woman’s Soul, and Things Just haven’t been the same: the Transition from Marriage to Parenthood.

Continuing the library search for adults using the word “embraces”, #1 – 4 came up as: Embraces: Dark Erotica, Accusing Embraces: needful, painful remembering in Beloved, Twisted Triangle, and, believe it or not, Weeds, Season One.

Wow. Hugging for children sounds really great, loving and innocent compared to the adults.

Wikipedia says, “A hug is a form of physical intimacy that usually involves closing or holding the arms around another person or group of persons. The hug is one of the most common human signs of love and affection. Unlike some other forms of physical intimacy, it is practiced publicly and privately without stigma in many countries, religions and cultures, within families, and also across age and gender lines.
Sometimes, hugs are a romantic exchange. Hugs may also be exchanged as a sign of support and comfort. A hug can be a demonstration of affection and emotional warmth, sometimes arising out of joy or happiness at meeting someone.

Brief in most cases, it is used to show many levels of affection. It is not particular to human beings alone, as there are many species of animals that engage in similar exchanges of warmth.

Hugging has been proven to have health benefits. One study has shown that hugs increase levels of oxytocin, and reduces blood pressure. The New York Times has reported that “the hug has become the favorite social greeting when teenagers meet or part these days” in the United States.”

The last line gives me a smile and hope for the future generation. I found the link to the New York Times article “For Teenagers, Hello means “How about a hug?” The photos and videos are great. www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/style/28hugs.html

In my experience of teaching in South America at Dance events or other social circles, when total strangers are introduced, the two people exchange a kiss on the cheek, sometimes both cheeks. Some countries love to hug in addition to a kiss or two on the cheek. Some are somewhat reserved in hugging, but will hug and definitely practice the kiss on the cheek versus a handshake. In Mexico, everyone is family, so everyone hugs, kisses and laughs. In Europe, many Russians give a deep, strong bear hug. Some English hug deeply, some are reserved. In the United States, it can be anything from a handshake to a deep embrace. There are as many kinds of hugs as there are people.

The practice of hugging is part of many, if not most, Dance circles, but rarely discussed. The local dancers began a “hugging” discussion. Fantastic. We are talking about it ! When we are aware of an issue, it gives an opportunity for growth in becoming more sensitive and conscious, and the result may be a stronger person, community, and dance circle, that we can all take responsibility for our own actions, and help or assist those we see or feel need it. What could be so simple and natural for many is not so simple for many, as well. We need to be aware and conscious of how our physical touch during a dance can affect some people.

A hug is not a peace dance requirement nor is it something we should take for granted. Based on the few titles about “Hugging” for adults, we may seriously consider, as human beings, and as a community, to begin conscious, sensitive “hug” development. This may sound crazy to some. What happens to people from child to adult with sensitivity to “hugs” is related to love, goodness, family, but it also could be lack of trust, betrayal and pain. It may take time to develop the depth, consciousness and innocence of a loving gesture.

Suggestions on How to Hug or Not to Hug at a public Dances of Universal Peace meeting anywhere in the world are listed below. There are no doubt many other ways we could list. These suggestions can be practiced at the dance, and then used outside of the dance space for personal empowerment practice.

No judgments are needed or wanted on how people face this issue and work
with it on their own. We simply honor and respect other’s choices.

Before we move to the suggestions, consider these:
Personal boundaries are unique to every individual. We can empower individuals to honor their boundaries. We acknowledge the intimate nature of the Dances of Universal Peace and emphasize/encourage dancers to honor one’s own and other people’s boundaries.

Hugs on Automatic Pilot: Hugging can be a “habitual” group behavior where the group goes on “automatic pilot” rather than hugs being a genuine expression of the living presence of “loving kindness” that has emerged from the group practice of the Dances of Universal Peace. This suggests one to be sensitive, be mindful and considerate to this dynamic.

Neediness versus Mindfulness: Sometimes we are driven by our neediness for human physical contact. It is not about right nor wrong, it is just part of being human. What is the level of our needs and the intent of our hugs?

Hugging can be a practice where we remain present to our breath and heartbeat, as well as the connection to the other person and their energies. It can be a practice to help us be present in the moment and share our intention to express “loving kindness” void of sexual energies or personal neediness.

Creating a Sacred Connection WITH Hugs:

- Make eye contact, follow the movements and body language of the other person to avoid clumsiness.

- Be welcoming when you hug. If either of you requested the hug, then be warm and loving creating the feeling of safety from anything else and that the two of you are the only that matter at that moment.

- Consider posture, strength, and duration.

- Do not confuse a “friend” hug with a “lover” hug, as things may get awkward and complicated.

- Unless you’ve hugged the person before, don’t hug them without asking first. Use judgment and discernment.

- If you know the person well, and have been hugging for many years, by all means, enjoy the hug deeply and profoundly.

Creating a Sacred Connection WITHOUT a Hug:

- Be assertive and courageous with what your needs are with each person using your own energy through body language or say what you need.

- If you see someone approach you with open arms, extend a hand out for a handshake. For myself, many times I prefer a handshake while looking into the eyes of a person.

- Put your palms together at your heart and bow.

- Exit the dance circle space.

We want to leave a dance feeling good. Take care of yourself. Be mindful of others.

There is a lot that goes with a simple HUG for adults. And why not? For a normal adult person off the street who has never experienced the Dances, to be faced with holding hands with men/men, women/men, women/women, and then asked to hug these strange new people, can, and is, very intimidating. And for some of the more experienced, it is something they look forward to because of a stressful life, and find comfort in the sacred space of the dances and relationships new and old.

Each person comes into the Dance with their own personality and history. I feel, we must be conscious and aware of body language, feeling the energy, and making a good decision to create a safe atmosphere for relationships, new and not so new, through the physical touch that happens at a public dance meeting.

As a dance leader, I cannot monitor everyone’s behaviors but I can share what comes to me from participants for your awareness and mine. Not everyone has the privilege to have a weekly dance circle. It is not easy on many levels. One dance per month, let’s say, has a very different dynamic than one that is weekly for as long as we have had ours. It is not just about simply leading the movements, words and attunement. It is not just about dancing. It is about the practice of developing the relationship with our inner and outer lives.

Through feedback from dancers about issues as “hugging”, one can have awareness and develop our sense of intimate comfort level with it no matter where we are, when faced with it.

It may take time for this to really sink in deeply. A change or shift in the way we think or do things may seem uncomfortable at first, but the long term benefits will prevail.

Comments from local dancers on this subject:

- “Since embracing is part of some of the partner dances, I would add that it is important to keep hugs appropriate during the dances as well … some of those hugs are the ones that I personally object to because I find it difficult to set boundaries when it is part of the dance.”

- “Seems to me that getting a discussion started after a person feels uncomfortable over certain actions is the key. If they are new to the Dances and were brought by someone who has been dancing for some time, to have the ‘old-timer’ check in with them afterward about how things went. We want to know about situations such as “I liked the Dances, but…” The point being to encourage people to talk to someone (the leader, a friend who will then talk to the leader, etc.) about any problems/issues they may feel about inappropriate behavior in the Dances.

That said, I think there are two aspects of the hug ‘problem’ for some people: the ‘amount’ of the hug (the pressure, contact, etc.) and the duration. Some people can handle hugging, but only lightly and for very short periods. Anything more than that and it goes beyond what they can safely handle. So, unless you know the person is a ‘hugger’ it is best to start with the least amount of hug for a short time i.e. a quick, light hug.
For people that have issues with being assertive (easily half the population or more) they may not even be able to tell the others they don’t want a hug (using a bow, handshake, etc.) as everyone else is hugging because then they will be singled out. It’s complicated.”

- “I am always surprised at the fact that some people do not know how to express THEMSELVES when it comes to intimacy. I realize that there are many out there who have issues with intimacy and they bring all that baggage with them wherever they go. If anyone in the dance circle were ever inappropriate with ME I would personally let that person know that that was inappropriate and NOT hug that person again. Hey, but that’s me. My only suggestion would be that possibly we as a group try an experiment where when we are at the “hug” portion of the dance we approach everyone in a namaste posture and if the person being approached reaches out to hug, then we take their lead. As I know and you know, you will not be able to please everyone, and on that note the dances may not be for everyone. Certainly, as a newcomer being hugged by a bunch of “strangers” could be overwhelming, but I still do think that people exist out there in the REAL world and somehow find a way to avoid situations and people that make them uncomfortable. Why not at the dances?
As always, I am always amazed with the “stuff” you have to deal with as our LEADER.”

- “I believe that the Dances can/should provide a “safe” place for all people.
Those afraid or uncomfortable with intimacy, whether it is eye contact, touching, hugging or holding hands could benefit from being in a safe place where people “appropriately” share intimacy. They would have the opportunity to participate at their current level, and progress to deeper intimacy as it unfolds for them.

In order to create a “safe” place for intimacy, it must begin with trust, and that means that those already attending, longer-time dancers cannot “overdo” intimacy, but instead, need to practice meeting the newer people (or less intimately open) at the other’s level – and not assume everyone feels the same way.”

- “At thousands of dance meetings over the last 20 years, I have been hugged in about every conceivable way. I continue to see it as an experience of meeting a person as they are, and my predominate experience is one of touching a mystical space together for a moment. “Out beyond ideas of right and wrong, there is a place, I’ll meet you there”. With some, it is a reunion in that space, with others an invitation with respect……..It’s those damn hormones that we adults bring to the table/ dance circle that can put the devil in the details. A potential new mantra: “I am larger than my hormones.” And a second: “I am larger than my fears of intimacy.” Good work with a tough subject.”

- “Wow, I appreciate your reflections and research on hugging. I respect you as a leader for taking this so to your heart and how you have honored “both sides” of the hug spectrum. Your examples of gracefully saying ‘no’ to a hug is important.”

- “Grace, I think your writing is right on. I know that there are many current dancers that will appreciate your attention to this matter, also. It’s a very tricky issue because like you said, to some the hugging is wonderful – and to others, it is invasive and/or intrusive. Getting it out in the open is the first step to change and thank you for doing that.”